08-02-10 - Work

Work is a compulsion. I've been working way too much lately, it's hurting my back and my shoulder, making me depressed. There's no real pressure for me to do it, all the pressure comes from myself. For one thing I do feel like I need to get a lot of things done really quick. First I have to finish this optimization / cross-platform shit I'm doing, then I want to get my threading stuff cross-platform and tested better, then I need to get back to video and finish some things. I feel like I really need to finish this video stuff and I have to do it fast.

But more than that, work is like a mental tick that I sometimes indulge in. It's an autistic fugue. You go into this hole where all you can think about is technical issues, and it's horrible, but it also sort of feels good. Like taking a poo, or playing with a loose tooth. Then when I get into this state I just can't stop. I try to relax with N, but all I can think about is spu_shufb and should I be using _align_hint ? And does DMA invalid ll-sc reservations? And I have to go back to work.

I imagine it's a bit like having OCD. It's not like the OCD guy really wants to count the lines in the wood grain. But if he walks into the room and doesn't count them, it just eats at his brain - "must count wood grain" - repeating over and over. It's not like working really makes me happy; after a day of solid work I don't feel good, in fact quite the opposite, my brain feel fried from fatigue, and my body is in great pain from sitting too much, but I can't resist it, and if I don't work I just keep thinking "work work work".

1 comment:

Daan Nijs said...

Feels very familiar.

Caught myself coding on a big hobby project yesterday, but leaving for a 4 month holiday tomorrow.

I find calm by making sure I'm passionate about stuff aside from work that my mind doesn't turn. I'm not sure if it's the same for you, but it only happens to me when I'm bored, even if it's just a little bit.

Another thing is that thinking about work is very different from actually working. And a lot more pleasant: you think about the interesting problems, not the drudgery. But then you're mature enough to actually get up and do ALL of that, even if that's not what you feel like.

Thanks for the post, it caught me at the right time

old rants