5/10/2015

05-10-15 - Did I ever mention that I fucking hate the fucking web-

(I might be a bit cranky today. Too much work and not enough sex. I should probably just go to a bar and talk about how I love Obama and taxes so I can get in a fight. Instead I'll rage about the fucking web.)

I'm trying to get together the photos of my baby to share with my mom. What a fucking nightmare. They're mostly on my phone, and auto-backed up to Google Photos. Should be easy, right?

The Google Photos web interface is fucking wrist-slashing insanity. It's SO FUCKING SLOW. It should not take so long to show me a few little thumbnails. Fucking quit all the fucking AJAX fancy bullshit whatever the fuck you're fucking doing oh my god.

It always only wants to show me "highlights". Who told you to fucking do that? I have never highlighted anything so I'm not sure how you decided what was a highlight and what wasn't. You fucking dicks.

Simple shit like making an album and trying to put the correct photos in the album just has no decent workflow. FUCK.

So I'm going to just download them and do it on my computer. Fine.

There's no download all. I'm supposed to what, click each fucking one and download? (which is a frustrating nightmare because the click is some super slow awful web popup).

Okay, I can use Google Takeouts to just get the whole thing. Hmm. Why are my photos fucking 8 GB? Oh, because it's giving me all my videos too. FUCK FUCK FUCK. I just want the photos not the videos. Nope, Takeouts gives you everything.

Okay, I'll just download the 8 GB. Oh awesome the download the failed. Oh awesome it failed again.

Okay, I'll get the download URL and give it to DownloadThemAll which is good and can do resumes and so on and the main reason I cling to Firefox.

NOPE the fucking download link is not an actual file it's some fucking redirect login bullshit that DTA can't handle. ARG ARG ARG.

And now fuck my fucking baby photos and fuck my mom (sorry mom) I'm not fucking dealing with this shit and I fucking hate the fucking web god dammit.


For some time I've been using Google Classic Maps ("https://maps.google.com/maps?output=classic&dg=opt"). And now it's been killed. Maybe I'll switch to Bing? Or fuck that. Maybe I should just buy a good set of paper maps. I'm not sure that even exists any more. Ever since the Thomas Guide switched to computer-generated maps they really suck, they're ugly and the layout is no good and hard to read.

The reason I saw on the web for killing it (Google Classic Maps) was that too many people were opting out of new maps. You killed it because people liked it. I don't know if that's true, but it is awesomely in character.

For a while I was on the Google Forums complaining about Blogger. Just about everyone who runs a blog at some point gets a troll and realizes that they need the ability to just ban an individual. Can't do it. So they go on the Google product forum and say hey can we get black listing and white listing? The Google response was "we know you want that, and fuck you".

REMINDER TO SELF : always download all the images made by Google Charts because that service will die at some point. (this would be good practice even if Google didn't randomly chop off its own limbs on a regular basis)


I don't keep any cookies or browse history. With everyone going to fucking two-phase login this is starting to get annoying. To login I now have to get a text code to my phone and enter that. It's tedious.

But the thing that really kills me is this stupid detail :

I get the numeric code sent to me. I go to Google Voice on my computer (because actually ever touching the phone is to be avoided at all cost). I double-click the number to copy it. I paste it in the two-phase entry.

It fails. Wrong code.

I try again. It fails.

The fucking double-click is selecting the space after the number, and the fucking login doesn't ignore the trailing space. It's lazy bad programmer shit like that which makes me furious.

Another one I hit often is using online payment thingies. I'll copy-paste the amount from my bill, something like "$1,234" and hit okay and I get

"invalid entry, please enter a numeric value"

IT's A FUCKING PAYMENT ENTRY BOX. You can fucking strip the leading $ and commas you piece of shit mother fucking asshole terrible programmers.


I'm trying to login to Skype on my phone.

(side note: summary of every Skype sessions I've ever had : "I can see you, can you see me? I can't hear you. Oh, you're upside down. Let me log off and disconnect. Now you're black. Try again. It's real glitchy, let's restart it. Hey, it's working! Hi! Hi! Okay, gotta go now.")

It says login with your skype account or your microsoft account.

So I tediously enter my microsoft account login which has a password like fucking @#$ASD@!#$<:22 and is fucking awful to type (and is starred out you fucking fucks the fucking fuck).

Skype says "oh, it looks like you entered a microsoft account, redirecting..."

And it pops up a new login page WITH BLANK FUCKING ENTRIES. I WANT TO STAB YOU IN THE COLON.


I'm so fucking sick of loading web pages and seeing "connecting to blah.. connecting to blah.." and seeing shit popping in slowly and reflowing and the focus popping and all this fucking shit.

Hey, fucking remedial loading school. You put all the content needed for the page in one package. Send me the one package. BOOM it loads.

Incremental is bullshit.

Back in the 90's some time, I worked for Eclipse on streaming 3d for the web. One of the things I did was a progressive wavelet image compressor so we could do things like send the first 5k of each image, then the next 10k, and because of the truncation property of bitplane-coded wavelets those were good low quality versions of the image that could just be tacked together.

So we tried to test it and demo it.

Everything just instantly loaded and you couldn't see the progressive wavelet load at all.

Because if you're not a fucking moron and you package together your content and just have a single download bundle to get your content, hey the internet is actually really fucking fast (even back in the 90's !!).

To show it off I put in a bunch of fake delays on the downloader to simulate slow hosts, so that you could see the wavelets gradually getting better, and that's what we showed to VC's or whatever.

I guess I could have just taken all the files and scattered them on different hosts around the world, THE WAY FUCKING NORMAL WEB PAGES DO. It's like they have very carefully gone through this process of intentionally slowing down the internet for no reason.


Sometimes I wish that I was like an air-cooled Porsche mechanic or something very stable and non-computer related, so I could just work away in my shop and not have to ever touch this fucking demon box.

32 comments:

tinyogre said...

"I guess I could have just taken all the files and scattered them on different hosts around the world, THE WAY FUCKING NORMAL WEB PAGES DO. It's like they have very carefully gone through this process of intentionally slowing down the internet for no reason."

It's so much worse than that though. It's not for no reason, they actually call this is a best practice. Everyone's browser already has jQuery cached if you load it from jQuery's site, right? So yeah, just load all seventeen of your random javascript things from their original sites. Now your site is fast because all those pages are already in everyone's cache! Only what if they aren't? Can you test that? What happens when one of those seventeen random sites is down today, for the subset of people that don't have it cached? What if hackers replace one of those scripts with something that targets your users? What if it's not a versioned link you've loaded it from and they change their API? What if they "fix a bug" and it turns out you were unknowingly relying on it?

Best. Practice. Depending on random bits of text you have no control over at all from all over the internet is a best practice now.

Fabian Giesen said...

Photos: plug your phone into your PC using the USB plug. It shows up as a "media device" and you can just browse the file system; there's a directory ("Camera/DCIM" or something similar, don't recall off the top of my head) with the photos in it.

It's still kind of weird since the media device thingy doesn't get a drive letter from Windows, so a lot of apps can't deal with those paths, but at least you can browse the directory in Explorer and copy files from it.

Matthew Blode said...

Ok this mother fucker. I wrote an insightful, quizitive fucking comment and this bullshit Google redirects me to log in and then clears my shit. Fuck.

aDsimplypeachy said...

Sign me the fuck up to this blog.

aDsimplypeachy said...

fucking hell, even trying to comment on your blog, Google gets in my way. Confirm your Blogger account and verify your details. If Google asks me to choose between my real name of aDSimplypeachy and aDSimplypeachy one more time I am going to fucking make sure they're resurrected as a godforsaken ActiveX control.

Mike Armstrong said...

that was thee' best lunchtime read I have ever encountered.

Mike Armstrong said...

that was the best lunch time read ever.

Riley Guerin said...

fuck Ya. death to computers

Carlos Fernández said...

Your problem is with Google and Microsoft, just don't use Google and Microsoft products. Because ¡surprise! there are more services and enterprises in the internet.

Neeraj Jhanji said...

Hi,

You can use Pasteasy to copy photos directly from your phone to your computer. Hope this helps:

http://www.pasteasy.com

Neeraj

andy said...

I just bulk selected and downloaded 100 photos from Google within 10 seconds of trying. Maybe you need a nice cup of tea or a stroll in the fresh air?

Dan Schnau said...

+1

Simon said...

Re: Stripping commas from money, many countries swap the use of . and , meaning you'd get some wildly inaccurate amounts if you used that rule globally...

Brett Fattori said...

Awesome! Pure awesome! However, if you're in a shop working on an air-cooled Porsche, it (as well) must be broken somehow. This, of course will require tinkering and shit, but you're right - it'll be a lot less maddening.

Pierre Clouthier said...

I feel your pain.

You don't get what you don't pay for. Everyone expects everything for free, it's a race to the bottom of quality.

Larry McP said...

This is so awesome. So awesome! Dude- I wish there were even more examples in this article.

aakarsh said...

Hey I am a developer and you might feel good to know that I avoid AJAX as much as possible and don't write my own resource loaders thinking that I am more clever than the browser.

I let the browser, protocol, and other intermediary services do their work.

I don't know why people micro-optimize, write so many animations just to make things feel "natural" and "real". Why do we need to pretend that the internet is not virtual, is beyond my thinking.

@everyFrontEndDev: No I don't want to see your magical animation skills. Just let me read the content I want to read. Your flying popups and birds only make my head ache.

aakarsh said...

Hey I am a developer and you might feel good to know that I avoid AJAX as much as possible and don't write my own resource loaders thinking that I am more clever than the browser.

I let the browser, protocol, and other intermediary services do their work.

I don't know why people micro-optimize, write so many animations just to make things feel "natural" and "real". Why do we need to pretend that the internet is not virtual, is beyond my thinking.

@everyFrontEndDev: No I don't want to see your magical animation skills. Just let me read the content I want to read. Your flying popups and birds only make my head ache.

patrock said...

this post …I nearly started crying because I know that misery and rage.

And after the release of G+ I was convinced that none of the people at Google who worked on it had ever had a face to face conversation with an actual human being. They should just call the goddamn thing Aspergers Simulator.

mike s said...

Well said, sir. I typically browse with NoScript, so if a page doesn’t load, I consider it broken and go somewhere else.

Susanna King said...

As a UX developer, this is good to read, because it reminds me that there will always be enough work for me to do, assuming the people who screwed up their sites are still smart enough to hire UX help.

ervin.guth said...

I hope this post will make it to Hollywood. Much better than the stuff the Wachowskis use nowadays for their scripts.

Michael R pdx said...

My fingers feel better as they no longer need to type the rants I was going to rant because you've ranted them for me.

Thanks.

Cuprohastes said...

*goes to Google Pictures*
*Downloads all with ease*

I have determined all your problems are due to not knowing what the hell you're doing.

Click on the circle with a tick. Then use Shift to automatically select all items between that and whichever other one you want. Download them all at once as a zip file.

cbloom said...

"I have determined all your problems are due to not knowing what the hell you're doing."

That is the cause of only some (most?) of my problems. Oh yes, I have problems.

Roy said...

You are my hero!

Miguel Silva Rodrigues said...

This! Every time I need to check an address on Google Maps (which is rare b/c I switched to Here Maps long ago)... my computer hangs b/c of the extra memory needed for that tab alone.

Anyway, here's how to use Google Maps in "Lite Mode" these days: https://support.google.com/maps/answer/3031966

P.S. I just had to receive an SMS code on my phone b/c "something looked suspicious about my login" to this blog... #irony

Tom Harrison said...

Nearly shat my pants while reading the ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Skype bit. If ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) hate Skype. And Google minus. And every other video chat except anything done with web sockets which mostly doesn't suck. It's ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) embarrassing that it's 2015 and we can't have videophones that ATT said would happen in the 1965 Worlds ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Fair. 50 years. Yeah and my Mom took me there when I was 3 so just sayin' I have been waiting for ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Skype to work since before there were even computers.

Oh, now here I see it coming. I need to say who I am to post this comment. I am already logged in to two separate Google accounts on this iPad and it's gonna make me log in again, and since I use MFA not only do I have to go to 1Password to get the password I don't know, but then to my phone to get the MFA code.

All to ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) post a ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) comment that says: what an awesome rant. I feel ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) better already.

Damian D said...

Motherfucking sites that dictate to me "your password must contain 1 capital, 1 number, three symbols, your mother's bra size, and the length of your dog's cock", and then delete ALL MY FUCKING details from the form when the password doesn't meet their bullshit protocols. I AM A GROWN MAN - I CAN CHOOSE MY OWN FUCKING PASSWORD
(carefully copied against probable loss of comment during publishing)

cenascuvox said...

Fuck, I just tried buying a fucking e-book from Amazon. But it doesn't let me opt-out of fucking 1-Fucking-Click, which is using a credit card I don't have anymore. And I can't delete that card. So I can't pay, so I can't order, because fucking Amazon thinks 1-Click whatever is what everyone wants.

Sanmayce said...

Drink Hypericum_perforatum and you will temper your nervous system. As for the crappy services/people/companies, you should thank them not fuck them, they help you to see your way clearer, they are the background needed to see the foreground better.

Sam said...

You've probably given up but this post just showed up on HN: https://rocketeer.be/blog/2015/05/google-photos/ There's some magic "Google Photos" setting that makes your photos show up in Google Drive. However it seems the photos are automagically compressed. Anyway maybe it helps.

old rants