04-14-15 - Bend Oregon

Bend in a nutshell :

Restaurants here write "sando" on the menu when describing sandwiches.

I'm not talking about casual order-at-the-counter places with "crazy" graphics. I mean fancier places with good food. Not conversation, written word. "House-made roast beef sando with blue cheese and carmelized onions". Sando.

Bend has two primary demographics :

The rednecks, which unfortunately still infest so much of Oregon (including, surprisingly, even quite a lot of Portland, mainly on the outside, like a nasty fiery red infection around the anus of liberal Portland). The rednecks wear flannel and baseball caps, drive big trucks, they like off-roading, beer and dogs.

The snowboarders. They wear flannel, baseball caps, drive big trucks, like snowboarding, beer and dogs.

They're actually easy to tell apart. The snowboarders wear $100 designer Helly Hansen flannel, the rednecks wear cheap Walmart flannel.

No, actually you can tell them apart because the rednecks are all so damn ugly. They're constantly angry, they don't smile at you, they stomp around and have bad posture. The contrast is severe, which brings us to the next point :

Bend is the happiest place I have ever seen in my life. It's fucking ridiculous.

For Oddworlders, it's like a town full of Bonnies. For Tash, it's a town full of Bagleys.

Everyone is clear-eyed, that bright clear eye sweetness you get from lots of exercise and being outdoors, that gives you inner peace and patience and just fixes everything. Everyone is so sweet and friendly in a real way, not in that syrupy phoney Southern way.

Kids just walk down the street. There were sweet little kids playing everywhere. People ride their bikes to the corner restaurant and just leave it on the rack unlocked.

It's a fucking utopia.

It's horrible being around those positive, sweet, wholesome people who have great life priorities and friends and seem to have fun doing anything. It makes me sick. You are everything I should be in life and am not. They're the kind of people who buy their friends presents because they actually want to. The kind of people who stand up and dance in a bar when noone else is, and just don't even think about it and laugh and have a great time. I hate you so much. It must be the way ugly girls feel when they visit LA.

Everyone in Bend is a massive alcoholic. When you order your coffee in the morning, they ask if you want a craft brewed IPA with that. There's a brewery per person.

On the down side, there is no road biking around Bend. It's supposed to be this biking mecca, but I guess just for mountain bikes. I think road biking in Oregon is probably shit everywhere. There are no nice dis-used windy roads. God I miss the California biking. I can name like 20 truly epic rides on the west coast of the US and every single one of them is in CA. (roads with lots of traffic and/or no shoulder and/or bad pavement are all disqualified; morons who put things like Hwy 1 on the "good rides" list are morons).

So many fucking stinky trucks. I love to drive around and get that fresh piney mountain air, but every fucking place you go there's some damn F350 enormous monster belching soot in your face. It seems like maybe people in Oregon like diesel more than most of the US? I dunno, I've never noticed so many damn stinky trucks in my life. I guess in Texas I wouldn't even try to open my window.

Pros :



Cheap housing (relative to Seattle & Portland and of course CA)

Gorgeous (I love that dry piney stuff; better than the swampy crap west of the Cascades)

Ski all winter!

Sweet for kids (up until high school age or so, then toxic)

Great mountain biking

Cons :


No road biking

Nice people


Low population = less people to choose from


won3d said...

Pros: Pretty good Sandos!

Cons: People who say "Sando."

Caffeine said...

In Australia it's a sanga, as in a sausage sanga is a sausage on a slice of bread, with tomato sauce and fried onions.

There are even 'celebrity chefs' giving recipes. For example ; http://www.hueyskitchen.com.au/recipes/4310/the-best-ever-sausage-sanga

cbloom said...

I want a sanga!

old rants