06-06-13 - Baby Misc

You're old when you it takes you a while to remember how old you are.
You're older when you have to do the math from your birth year to figure it out.
You're really old when you have to do the math and get it wrong.
You're really really old when you do the math, get it wrong, and insist you're right despite everyone else in the room telling you a different number.

Pooping baby looks like an alternating sequence of Angry Andy Richter :

and O-face Gollum :

(baby made me realize that Andy Richter looks just like a giant baby)

On TV you always hear people gushing about that "great baby smell" , like mmm let me stick my nose in and smell that baby. WTF there's no great baby smell. I suppose what those people like is the smell of Johnson&Johnson shampoo and baby powder (both of which are rather out of fashion now). In our house we always try to avoid scented products (the better to smell you by), so our baby gets none of those. The real natural baby smell is mainly sour milk. Milk vomit, milk spitup, milk poos, spilled milk. Yum. It's mixed in with a faint whiff of that really nasty toe-jam funk, because babies have all these awkward fat folds and no matter how thoroughly we bathe her, we seem to miss some fold or other that accumulates crud.

One of the baby diaper-changing suggestions is "make sure to wipe front to back so that you don't spread poo towards the genitals". Umm, have you ever seen a baby diaper? It's like someone set off a poo grenade in there; there's poo everywhere; it's leaking out the top of the diaper, it's way deep inside the vagina. Oh, let me carefully wipe all that poo from front to back, ok, that'll make it all fine.

Baby is finally starting to spend some time awake that's not just eating or burping. That's kind of nice, she is starting to make some more expressive "eh"'s ; the other day she head-tracked her mom across the room when she was hungry for the first time.

Before baby was born IC made this note to me that "babies are boring", that I thought was charmingly honest. Yep, it's true, babies are boring as fuck. Sure they're cute and all, but there's just endless hours of feeding, burping, rocking; yeah, yeah, baby I've seen your cute arm waving before, just go to sleep already so I can do something else. At first I was kind of trying not to watch TV while holding baby or just put her in a mechanical rocker, I thought it was better to engage and talk to her and play with her and such, but now I say fuck it, there's just too much time to kill.

There's a sort of Stockholm Syndrome with babies. They're so hard in the first few weeks, constantly demanding attention, that it makes you grateful when they do the most basic things. Like, oh great baby overlord, thank you so much for sleeping for 3 hours in the evening, we are so grateful for your kindness. It's like the classic dick boss/dad trick of being really shitty to people so that if you are just halfway decent they love you for it.

1 comment:

Aaron said...

All that baby funk is like a fine cheese... you just gotta get used to it, then you'll start to like it (well, some of it). That said, baby smell varies. One of our kids had a distinctly good sweet smell, and the other one, frankly for the life of me I couldn't smell a damn thing. If you leave the house for a day and come back also, things may be different... your nose is gonna de-equalize a bit.

Haha yeah the front-to-back thing is a hilarious joke. That and 'keep the cord clean' until it falls off. Like hell you're keeping that clean. Human body is pretty incredible... all this shit you'd think would be catastrophically ill-making (because we're culturally so 'clean') is actually just no big deal.

Babies are boring. Most people don't get that until the second one (there's usually a halo of amazement around the first, constantly watching for them to hit the next milestone, etc). That's because babies are SSSSLLLLOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. Everyone always says "babies and little kids are amazing learners! They can absorb and learn things so fast!!!". That's a load of bullshit. A YEAR to learn to speak a work. A grownup can learn a new word in like 10 seconds. Young kids take for-EVER to learn very basic things. Then they promptly forget them. Babies and children are terrible learners.

The dual of not letting baby take over your life (while simultaneously enjoying letting them awe you with their boot-up sequence) is the great challenge. Really babies are pretty simple and not that much work. We just spoil them with attention because we only have one at a time, or maybe one older kid and a baby to deal with). In reality you could have 4 other kids and the baby, and that baby would grow up just fine (better and more independent in some ways) without all the grownup attention.

old rants