05-30-13 - Well Crap

The predictable happened - baby threw out my back. Ever since we had it I kept thinking "oh shit, this position is really not good for me, this is not going to end well", and then yesterday blammo excruciating pain, can't stand up, etc. It's an episode like I haven't had in several years. I've been trying to forestall it, trying to keep up my stretching regimin and so on, but combined with the fatigue of not sleeping it was inevitable. Fatigue is the real enemy of my spine, because it leads to lazy positions, slouching, resting on my bones and so on.

I've been really happy in the last 6 months or so because I've finally been able to work out again after something like 5 years of not being able to properly. Ever since SF I've been doing nothing but light weight therapy work; I kept trying to slowly ramp back into real workouts and would immediately aggravate an injury, have to bail out and start over again with only light PT. I felt like I finally turned the corner, it's the first time I've been able to do basic exercises like squats and deadlifts without immediately re-injuring myself, and it's been wonderful. I still have to be super careful; I only do pulls, never pushes, I don't do any jerky violent moves, I keep the weight well below my max so that I can be really careful with form; perhaps most importantly I spend ages warming up before lifting, which is so damn boring but necessary. And now I'm fucked again.

I used to have all these ambitions (discover a scientific principle and have a theorem named after me, etc. naive child!) but now my one great dream is just to be able to do some basic human activities like lie in a bed or throw a ball without being in great pain.

Sometimes I wonder how much of my sourpuss personality is just because I'm in pain all the time. Like those kids who struggle in school and it turns out they're just slightly deaf or blind or whatever. Often things that you think are fundamental about yourself are actually just because of some surface issue that you should just fix. (and of course my physical problems are totally trivial compared to what lots of people go through)

(like for example I know that part of my problem with socializing is I have some kind of crowd deafness issue; if I'm in a conversation with more than one person, I find it hard to follow the thread, and if more than one person at a time is speaking the words kind of get all jumbled up; sometimes it's so frustrating that I just give up on trying to listen in groups and just check out and zone out. I also avoid a lot of social situations like dinners and movies because I know they'll mean I'm stuck sitting for a long time, which is inevitable severe back pain (and dinners are often intestinal pain); I think a lot of those people who just seem so happy and well-adjusted are that way not because of any mental difference but because they lucked out and don't have any major physical problems)

I think if I had a pool things would be much better. Swimming is amazing for the body. I have a dream; it's to live somewhere sunny with my own pool. I'll lie in the sunshine and swim, and lie in the sunshine and swim. I'm really looking forwarding to be an excessively tan old man shamelessly swimming (and just walking around) in a tiny speedo. Like this :

I often see those guys on the beach in Hawaii or where-ever, shamelessly strutting about with their leathery sunburns and tiny speedos under droopy bellies, and think "I hope that's me in 20 years, and I can't wait!".

1 comment:

Ɓukasz Mendakiewicz said...
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old rants