05-04-12 - Toilet

WTF is wrong with you people who go and sit on the toilet for half an hour? If nothing is coming out, get the fuck up and get out of there. The only reason to park yourself on the toilet is if you have diarrhea (and I don't hear any pllfft coming from the stall so I know that's not it). If you're constipated there's no need to sit there, get the fuck up and get back to work; and hell if you're constipated on a daily basis, maybe you should think about eating a fucking vegetable once in a while.

Are you just sitting there trying to let gravity pull the poop out? You know you have to squeeze, right?

There are these very simple acts of daily life that we never get taught, and sometimes people somehow fail to grasp how to get them right. For example, up until quite late in my life, maybe high school or so, I didn't know how to drink liquid correctly. I would just pour the liquid into my mouth as if my mouth was a glass, and then I would close my lips and swallow; the result was that I frequently swallowed air with liquid and drinking anything would give me burps. Some time in high school it finally clicked that you have to actually suck as you drink and form a vacuum so that a stream runs down your throat, you don't just swallow a parcel of it. So maybe you long-sitters just don't know how to poop.

Whenever I go to someone's house and see a bunch of magazines and books in the bathroom I'm a bit freaked out and then take extra care not to touch anything in their bathroom. There should not be paper or any other non-waterproof product in a bathroom; ideally a toilet room should have a drain on the floor and tile walls so you can just hose the whole thing down.

The only time I've felt the desire to hang out in the bathroom for longer than the bare minimum of time was once when I had house guests staying over, and I was getting quite fed up with them (not that there was anything wrong with them per se, but after a few hours of entertaining people I'm ready to lobotomize myself). I randomly needed a poo and had a sit down and was going to do my usual one minute express, but I suddenly realized, whoah this is nice, I'm alone, nobody is trying to talk to me, I can just chill, and I sat there a few minutes and relaxed. So maybe you toilet campers are doing this all the time, hiding out?

I do think I have seen that behavior in married men. You can see in certain married men (especially with kids) a desperation to get some alone time. If you mention some group activity that their wife wouldn't want to do they instantly are like "oh yes please I'd like to do that". I see them at our local neighborhood pizza place waiting for take out; the desperate married men always show up early and just hang out in the bar for a while.

In other random bathroom ranting, I think that America has the worst designed bathrooms, perhaps in the whole world, certainly in the civilized world. The bathroom is not an appropriate place for carpet. The toilet should not be in the same room as your shower/bathtub and makeup/medicine cabinet, the toilet should be in a little closet all by itself. Almost every other country in the world gets this, but for some reason Americans just love to hang out in a room full of shit and piss.

I think the 80's were probably the pinnacle of terrible bathroom ideas in America, when people were actually putting plush covers on toilet seats (not even just the top part, but the actual horseshoe sitting part). Here's an example of the retarded type of bathroom you see in America :

Actually that one is not even close to the worst because it actually has tile on the walls, a lot (probably a majority) of american baths have drywall walls which is super fucking retarded. I know, let's put some porous, absorbant, non-waterproof material in the bathroom! good idea!

Even aside from the specific horrible design choices, the whole trend of spending a bunch of money to make your bathroom fancy is so fucking retarded. Of course most home improvement that the suburban wives do is not actually connected to functionality or even their own taste in any way, it's entirely based on what is popular at the time, and a kind of competition. Everyone is just so fucking disgustingly mindless, nobody has their own ideas, they don't think for themselves and do what they actually want; you can watch the builders around town and they all wind up doing the same thing, and then the fad changes and they all do the new thing; like for a while recently the big fad is chef's kitchens; it doesn't matter that the family basically never cooks and has no idea how to use a knife, yeah we need the fanciest chef kitchen; right now around Seattle I'm watching horizontal board fences go up at a blistering pace, it's suddenly become a mass fad and everybody needs a fucking horizontal plank fence, which will look tacky and dated in a few years (and actually usually already looks bad, because it looks fucking awful to put one modern-style feature on an old house that doesn't match it at all).


nothings said...

[[Mild TMI warning for non-Charles readers.]]

I used to wonder what was up with people who took forever on the toilet.

Then it happened to me.

Well, not exactly, but sort of. Something changed in my physiology a few years ago, and now takes me quite a bit longer, because all my dumps now come in two phases. After the first phase, I can flush and get up and walk away, but five minutes later I'll be back on the toilet again. So it's simpler to just stay on it for the duration.

nothings said...

To clarify: that doesn't add up to half an hour, but it makes me consider the possibility that perhaps it works differently for those people.

Tom Forsyth said...

If you didn't post such long rants, I'd be out of the bathroom much quicker.

Justin Paver said...

I always lamented the lack of time that I had to read all the papers I wanted to. That is until I realized that when it came to toilet activities, I could multitask.

Now I may spend an extra minute or two each time, but come away far more enlightened - excuse the pun.

Blaine Allen Brown said...

I hate that not all bathrooms completely tile. I pretty much hate drywall in all forms. I was wondering, Charles, what do you think of wood paneling? I know it's not in style anymore, but I like the look of wood on the wall. And even though you have to replace a whole panel if it gets messed up that still seems so much easier than mudding drywall.

cbloom said...

Well, wood veneer walls actually are back in style in the "modern" Dwell-style crap that is the new cheapo urban shoebox.

I'm with you on the drywall, but I'm not sure wood is the solution. A bit of wood wall here or there can be a nice warming stylistic touch (wood is beautiful) but wood on all the walls is kind of oppressive, makes spaces feel smaller and kind of cabin-y.

I don't think anything matches the wonderful livability of real plaster or mud/adobe. It does something magic for the air and the sound and the temperature of a house.

(fucking concrete and steel do not belong in a home, they do just the opposite, they do something horrible for the air and the sound and the temperature in a space, they make it feel like an office or a museum)

old rants