10-18-09 - Personal Whining

I'm reading Steppenwolf for some damn reason (fucking people recommending shit to me; it's almost a negative correlation between recommendations and what's actually good; any time someone is like "oh this is good, somebody said so" I now think it must be crap). Anyway, it's fucking awful, it's such self-indulgent mopey high school shit, oh I'm so intelligent and sensitive, I'm too good for this world, I'm above it all and it's trivialities and pettiness, god how juvenile.

Depression is fucking weakness, it's an excuse to avoid life. Irony and superiority are cowardice; acting like you're too good for something is just a way of avoiding trying it and failing.

Often I'll fail in some way to live up to my expectations of myself being strong and dynamic as I think I should be, and then I sink into a spiral of self-loathing for my weakness. Like when someone is being petty or insecure or hurt around me, and I know I should rise above it and give them what they want to hear, but instead I lash back at them, I should be better than that and then I hate myself for it. Then I sink into a wallowing pathetic mire of self-hate and I become quiet and morose and function even worse then, which makes me hate myself more for being such a coward. But all of that is really just a childish way to avoid trying, it's a way of fleeing the challenge, it's an excuse not to try any more.

It's very hard to tell sometimes what exactly is your personality and what is just some current behavior that you can and should change. Is my depressiveness and antisociality actually who I am, or is it just a cowardly behavior I've adopted that I could stop at any time?

Lately I've found it very hard to have any opinion about anything. I don't mean that I have no thoughts on it, it's that I can't figure out what opinion is really mine. The problem I'm having is that I try to be positive and see the good in things. Like hey, singing folk songs around a bon fire, that could be fun, you know camraderie, fresh air, the fun of making myself do something unnatural to myself, good right? Yeah, but that's not my real opinion, that's just me trying to be accepting. Actually it's just really awful, I hate it. But that's sort of just the sour side of me that thinks everything is awful, is that my real opinion? Like even all this electronic music that I listen to, I mean really (rational critical brain) it's fucking awful, and the whole scene is so unpleasant and cheesy and lame, but hey no (accepting see the bright side brain) , the people are silly and silliness is wonderful and it's just movement which is great. Anyway, I find a lot of the time when people ask my opinion on something my response is something like "oh yeah it's great! I mean really it's awful, but no, it's great!". To some extent there's also the "everything else is so fucking awful that in comparison it's great"; like we went to Lark recently which really if I'm honest was pretty fucking awful, but I mean really most restaurants are so absurdly bad that actually it was pretty damn good in the scheme of things.

Human conversation :

"This weather is something something".

"That sports team did that thing they did".

"What about that TV show that was funny? that was funny."

"Funny line repeated ad-nauseum out of context and made un-funny".

"Pleasantry asking about something in your life I don't care about".

"Opinion or speculation about something I know nothing about".

"Self-righteousness and rationalization of why my way is the right way".

There, what a nice chat we just had, now we all feel better.

I foresee my future : being a miserable fucking salary man, going to a job I don't particularly like because it's easy enough and pays well, taking as much time as possible on lunch breaks to avoid the drear of the office, talking to coworkers about banal bullshit, becoming more boring and bland every day, going home with no fire no energy no vitality nothing new to talk about for my wife, slumping on the couch and watching TV, sucking all the happiness out of our home, slowly killing our relationship, making her cry about what a dreary life she's in, while I begrudge her not having to go to work and don't think she's doing enough to reach out to me.

I just don't see how it could really be any other way, that's what being an adult is all about. Almost every adult male that I know has gone down that path or something similar, and it's certainly the direction my momentum is moving in at the moment.

The first part of a relationship is so magical, you just want to see each other all the time and it just feels so amazing to just sit and look into each other's eyes or whatever, but you have to be careful, because that inevitably ends; it's a limitted resource, it's a battery you're draining, or a burning candle. You can extend it a bit by burning it less often, seeing each other less, but that doesn't really work, it's more just a time expiration.

One trap is that it feels so good just to do nothing and be together, that you stop doing interesting things. That makes the battery of magic drain out much faster and you will quickly lose it.

Another trap is to abuse it too much just for the good feeling. It's like eating chocolate, or masturbating, or drugs, it's an easy mood fix. You had a bad day, you're down, you just want to see your lover because they'll make you feel alright. But no, don't use them like that, it's too easy, it drains the magic.

You can definitely prolong the magic by only seeing someone in special circumstances. Entertainers of course know this, they try to avoid breaking the veil. A great magician or entertainer won't let themselves be seen when they're not in costume and in character and "on" , with their charisma and energy pumped up. When they're preparing or tired or whatever they hide away to preserve the illusion. We humans are really stupid, we associate our feeling about someone with our experiences around them, so if you only hang out with someone when you're doing amazing things, you think they're amazing. While this certainly works it's not really viable for a long term relationship because you can't be "on" all the time and you want to see this person more often than that.

It's sad how fast you start to take someone for granted. Our human brains are only sensitive to deltas, so when you come upon a new situation you see the delta and think my god this is amazing it's so good it's so different, but quickly that becomes the norm and then you stop perceiving it. One trick I've found to rejuvenate it a bit is to spend time with other humans, and then you see how shitty they are in comparison and you miss your lover anew and appreciate how great they are.


Wes Bigelow said...

This is good shit:

also you might like Falkenblog:

cbloom said...

That looks pretty solid, but it's a recommendation so I assume it must actually be shit.

Wes Bigelow said...

heh, I said it was shit, didn't I? :)

Aaron said...

You're just getting killed by the 'most everything is shit or broken' rule. Recommendations fall into that category also.

Stop judging yourself so heavily. Let your transcendent self just sit back and enjoy the battle between your brain halves. Opinion is highly context sensitive and there's a lot of insider/outsider effect. Pen and paper RPG's for example. Totally kick-ass if you're an insider. From the outside, totally lame. If you're on the outside and you're a rational, sympathetic thinker though, you say "yeah, RPG's are good" but you don't FEEL it because your on the outside. You gotta trust your rational side to be right, but understand that it doesn't matter that you don't totally feel the rightness, because you're not immersed in it at the moment. Duality.

These are not shit: WWI and WWII.

cbloom said...

I've played a lot of RPG's and I'm pretty sure they're shit.

Also, nice attempted level.

mkz said...

That conversation bit reminded me of this "dialog" by Svankmajer. I'm linking to a specific time in the video, but the whole thing is pretty cool (shit).

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