10-02-09 - Seattle

It's been one week of gray rainy shit and the winter blues have already kicked in for me. God it fucking sucks. There's this awful catch-22 I get stuck in. I'm depressed and I have no energy, so I don't exercise. But if I don't exercise I'll be depressed and have no energy. The bleck makes me want to just curl up on the couch and never move, but if I do that I'll be only more depressed. I desperately need to get outside and have some fun, but fun comes from the energy inside yourself, and I have none. When I can't exercise I can't sleep; when I can't sleep, I can't exercise. When I'm depressed I don't want to hang out with anyone because I don't feel like myself and I don't want to inflict my mopey ass on anyone; but not seeing anyone makes me depressed.

Of course it's a positive feedback loop cycle, but everyone knows how to get out of it - just by force of will you have to make the cart jump the tracks and hop back onto the good living line. Just fake it briefly with sheer will to paste on a smile and hopefully that takes long enough for you to get back in the good path for real. But I feel like I have to do that over and over, every week, or every day, slipping into depression and then fighting it and trying to kick start myself back into the good path, all winter long, and it's just exhausting.

I've been overeating recently. One of the ways you can tell you're overeating is if you are taking lots of giant shits. It's your body's way of telling you it doesn't need all the food you're cramming into it; it can't digest it all so it's letting some pass through. I generally have very good body awareness; I don't really diet, I just listen to my body, it tells me whether to eat or not. There's a problem with that though, when you aren't exercising or sleeping and you start overeating, then you feel all lethargic and have no energy and your body says "I have no energy, I need food" (and particularly sugar), so you eat more, but that just makes you more lethargic, so you want to eat more. It's another bad positive feedback loop.

I've been watching the first two seasons of Carnivale; it's fantastic. I think it's worth watching even though it was cancelled and it just ends. The setting and mood and everything are perfectly done. The Brother Justin character is just so well done, he's mesmerizing. There are some weaknesses : I think pretty much all the side characters in the carnival are badly acted and extraneous and feel just tacked on, they don't really integrate in the main story line. All the bits with the "cooch girls" are so bad and pointless that I actually started using the 30-second skip to get past them every time they came on. The bearded lady and the rest of the "freaks" are just tedious. Sofie and Jonesy are really terrible actors and are painful to watch every time they come on screen. Despite all that, the Hawkins-Justin storyline is so great and their characters are so perfectly done it's really worth seeing.

I find I'm renting movies from Netflix just to make it shut up about recommending them to me. There are certain things it keeps recommending to me that I don't really want to say "not interested" about because I might want to watch them some day, but I really don't want to watch them or even put them in my queue. But if I just ignore them, fucking Netflix will just keep showing them to me over and over as recommended movies. (of course I've written before about many issues of how retarded they are about what they choose to show you; in particular 1. stop recommending me movies that I ALREADY RENTED FROM YOU and 2. don't show me "related" movies that are highly correlated but in a completely different category, or at least give me a way to see only correlated movies that are similar by content) (I'd like to be able to click on a movie I like and find similar ones but it doesn't fucking work because of those two issues). The two biggest examples are Kurosawa movies and Ingmar Bergman movies. I don't really want to watch either of them at all, but I also don't want to say "not interested", so I finally just broke down and put some in my queue. Fucking netflix.

BTW yes I know about the new Taste Preferences thing and it's all wrong. You don't want to have permanent saved settings of what genres you like, on different days you might want different things. It should be easier to browse into the cloud of connections as a visitor and do your own guided exploration; you should be able to jump in using the movies you've seen before and then explore on axes of related people (same actors, same directors) , axes of genre (content / release date), axes of correlation to your history. Also they are way too detailed, but really anything saved like that is just entirely the wrong way to go.

I'm physically incapable of talking on the phone. When someone calls me I'm just like "ummm". My mind blanks, every word is a huge effort. I'm not sure what the problem is; I struggle with communication in general, and it makes me really uncomfortable to not be able to see the person I'm talking to. I'm also very visual and ADD and easily distracted, so I often find my mind has locked into something in the room that I can see and I have completely lost the thread of the phone conversation. Or maybe I'm just being a big baby like usual and if I would just "get over it" and try harder maybe there isn't actually a problem at all.

I'm so negative, I really don't like it, and I know it's no fun to be around. Nobody wants to hear criticism and ranting and whining, and it makes them defensive and afraid it will be directed at them next. I don't want to be so negative, but I just don't see how you can have a functioning brain and not think that 99% of this world is utter shit (of course 99% of you don't have a functioning brain).

For example : WTF is wrong with all you men who like gigantic fake boobs; seriously, WTF, you are retarded scum. Also WTF is up with all the Seattle drivers who love to go super slow, but then run red lights. WTF if you're in a hurry then maybe you should take off on the green faster and just get a fucking move on overall, and if you're not in a hurry then don't fucking try to sneak through the yellow. Almost every time I go through a yellow when I think "oops that was too late I shouldn't have done that" some jackass slow poke fuck-tard comes on through behind me.

Now that I know how easy/feasible backpacking is, it's the only way I want to experience nature. It's horrible how many people are around on the short day hikes and the car camping areas and national parks. There's really no reason at all not to backpack instead. By far the biggest problem is the weather. If I was in some place like my beloved wonderful California where the weather is predictably perfect all the time I could go often. (and in many parts of CA you could save weight by not even taking a tent)

I don't understand people who persist in chit-chatting about things they know nothing about in this modern era. There's this whole style of conversation that semi-intelligent people love to partake in where they conjecture about things they don't really know much about. I think they like to show how smart they are, how the can guess how a doodad works or the origin of a word or where some cultural practice came from. Ooh la di da nobody's fucking impressed. If you actually care to know about it, go fucking google it. If you don't care, then shut the hell up.

I've turned into a consumerist recently, where any time I feel like something would improve my life I just go buy it. I really don't like it, it makes me feel like yuppie materialist scum. I really enjoy repairing things and using my ingenuity to make do and so on, and I've lost that. The problem is like most things in life, it's really hard to find the sensible middle ground where you are making rational decisions. It's easy to swing completely one way or the other - either just buying everything and getting way too much junk that you don't really need and losing all your homemade joys, or being a martyr and buying nothing and making your life pointlessly harder than it needs to be. I've spent most of my life in the "martyr" mode, living without basic conveniences like pants without holes or DVD players or whatever.

Anyway, in attempt to make sensible use of money to improve life quality, I'm trying to spend to help me get through the winter. Last year I bought one of those fucking day spectrum light things that was a total waste of money. This year my idea is to get lots of warm dry clothing so that I can go out in the rain and feel good. I want fuzzy fluffy swaddling dry warmness. I'm trying to buy wool cycling tights but I can't find them anywhere (there are wool tights to be had but they all have loose crotches or flies which are not okay for cycling). I also

To try to cheer myself up during the commute I burned myself some CD's for cheezy sing-alongs in the car. I think U2's "The Joshua Tree" may be the best sing-along album of all time, it's got the ecstatic bursts where you just have to belt it out. The only problem with it is Bono's range is too good so he jumps around to notes that I can't hit. Another awesome one is Radiohead's "The Bends" (I also added the last two songs from Ok Computer ; Ok Computer was much celebrated but IMO the middle of that album just sucks balls, fucking karma police and fitter happier and just like lead weights of awfulness that sink the great momentum of that album; songs 1-3 and 11-12 are amazing and there's just this gulf of shit in the middle. Also #3 (Subterranean Homesick Alien) is probably the most disappointing song in the world. The first 30 seconds are just glorious beautiful unusual, they get me so high, and then it just turns into a boring old rock song after that; it's like they had this beautiful idea and then couldn't figure out what to do with it, so they were like "well just scream and bang on the drums and we'll call that a chorus") , but I digress, The Bends also has the problem that Thom Yorke sings too weird and high so I have to octave-shift to stay with him which is unsatisfying. Other cheesy sing-alongs : Bjork, Coldplay, Afghan Whigs, Neko Case.

Cbloom's perfect shoe is a tight leather sock. To put it on the first time, you have to soak it in warm water, oil up your feet, put it on and let it dry on your feet as you walk around so it molds to your shape perfectly. A good cowboy boot is kind of like that, but I want no hard sole at all. On the bottom of the leather sock there should be a very thin coating of sticky rubber (none of that hard vibram shit). There should be no support anywhere.

They should maybe be lace up with long laces that you wrap around the bottom of the foot like soccer shoes. Actually good soccer shoes are pretty close, but just with no sole and some glued on rubber instead. Laces that wrap around the arch like that provide all the support and tightness you need and feel really good. Maybe instead of a lace it should be a wide nylon strap.

I'm not really down with the design of most of the new fad of "barely there" shoes like the Five Fingers and such. I don't want toe separation, and I also don't want my feet open to the air because it's cold and wet out there. What I want is a shoe that doesn't enforce any structure on me, and also one that has almost no sole. Soles remove your ability to feel the ground and encourage bad walking patterns.

There are actually a lot of women's shoes that I think are okay; the ballet slipper inspired style that's fashionable these days is pretty okay, as is the very slim low-profile sneaker that they make for women. Sadly there are almost no shoes like this made for men.

"Five Fingers" are pretty close I guess, but there are a few problems : 1. I despise Vibram soles, the material is just no good, it's too stiff and smooth and not sticky; real rubber is the only way to go. 2. You don't actually want toe separation for various reasons (cold, fit, strength). 3. the strapping is insufficient to get them nice and tight; a Roman-sandal style wrap-around strapping is the way to go.

1 comment:

Raigan said...

You might not be far off about 99% non-functioning brains: http://www.damninteresting.com/the-total-perspective-vortex

old rants