07-28-09 - Brunch

People are obsessed with going out for fucking brunch. It's like they think it's some kind of fucking magical treat. Do you know you can make pancakes and french toast at home any time you want and it's really fucking easy? And like mimomas is just fucking orange juice and champagne, it's not like you need the damn brunch fairy to cast a spell.

XX always wanted to go to brunch and I almost always refused because I'm a dick. After that I decided I should be a better boyfriend and try to do the things that my girl wants to do even if I hate them, and try to have a good attitude about it and enjoy it, not just go through the motions and be a whiney prick like I usually am. So with YY I went to brunch a few times and tried really to be a good sport, but my god it sucks.

Reasons why I despise going out for brunch :

1. By the time I get there I'm going hypoglycemic and I'm getting cranky from having no breakfast; if I was fed right away that would be okay, but it's always a huge wait, and of course the whole point is to take it slow. So I guess I have to eat breakfast first, but that sort of spoils the brunch eating.

2. It's always slammed. Because every tard and his mother all love fucking brunch it seems there are never enough places that serve brunch and they're jam packed. I don't even mind the long wait that much, the really annoying thing is that people are hovering around your table because the restaurants are packed and waiting people are getting crammed into the diners, the waitress is in the weeds and running around throwing syrups at tables, and the kitchen is just rushing things. It all makes me very antsy and uncomfortable. I like to take my morning slow and very relaxed, have coffee, read the paper, greet the sun, no stress in the morning.

3. I can't eat the pancakes or french toast or whatever because they're fucking huge sugar bombs and I'll feel awful for the rest of the day. But they tempt me because they are the only good things on the menu usually; I get stuck ordering the eggs and sausage or something and it sucks. Restaurants in general cannot cook eggs worth a damn; the eggs are generally cheap, rubbery, tasteless, overcooked and oily. I usually wind up ordering poached eggs because they at least won't be fucked up too badly.

4. The coffee is disgusting. Even the fancier places that do espresso or french press usually serve vile swill.

5. I have to change out of my pajamas, which totally spoils my relaxed morning vibe. Once the pajamas are off I want to get out and do something, not sit around for hours having god damn brunch.

The Tom Collins is the drink that I always am wanting but never think of. On a hot day when you want something crisp and slightly bitter and slightly sweet, it's perfect. Often I'll get a greyhound or a gin-tonic or vodka-soda or something, but those are all too bitter/sour or too tasteless; the Collins is exactly what all those drinks wish they were.

I also approve of the Manhattan, the Old Fashioned, the Sazerac, the Caipirinha, the Mint Julep, the Mojito and the Daiquiri. I do not approve of anything involving a red or blue colored liquor. In Seattle there's a craze right now for Elder Flower liqeur which is fucking vile. Alcohol should not taste like perfume.

How do I make Firefox never ever never play a sound from any source ? No flash playing sounds, no embedded quicktime or any other players. I don't ever want to hear a web page. (I wish I could browse the web without ever seeing fucking Flash again, but then I also wish people were nice to each other and sex was casual and easily available; it ain't gonna happen) BTW for example, the other day I was on this site Tree Fort Bikes which is actually one of the best flash sites I've ever seen; it's fast, has good features, has a well designed UI, and I started thinking "you know this flash site isn't so bad" - but then I tried to drag a link to an item out to my desktop - OH NO! And then I tried to middle click an item to open it in a tab - OH NO! Fucking flash.


castano said...

Well, you just have to wake up early before your girl wakes up, prepare breakfast for her and bring it to bed. You will enjoy it and hopefully she will feel special.

James said...

This is off topic but I feel it needs to be shared.
French toast is such a fine line between being either too sweet or too eggy but I feel you can get the best of both worlds if you err on the eggy side and take the soaked bread and cook it in a waffle iron instead of a frying pan.
It's harder to manage temperature all the way through to get that just set custard but you can sort of adjust by thickness of the toast relative to your waffle iron over multiple trials and correct mistakes in the meantime in a toaster/regular oven.

The thing that I find most attractive about French toast is the sweetness derived by burned egg protein and this is absolutely great. It's almost too much, and it depends on a really hot cast iron waffle iron, but you can find them for $20 these days

cbloom said...

Interesting idea.

I agree that the pinnacle of french toast is almost a creme brulee suspended in bread; you want a caramelized custard around the outside, and almost a bread pudding in the middle.

At one point I was experimenting with baked-then-fried french toast, but I decided that line of research was too costly to me waist line.

Going further off topic - something I still would really like to perfect is a true Liege Gaufre (belgian waffle). I'd like to try it with an old fashioned non-self-heating waffle iron, which you could get sufficiently hot on a gas burner (electric waffle irons don't get hot enough for Liege Gaufres).

old rants