4/18/2008

04-18-08 - 1

My ex-girlfriends all tell me I should "open up". They're wrong. Sometimes I try really opening up and talking about the complicated thoughts I'm having, and it just leads to confusion and makes things worse as they make all kinds of negative conclusions from what I admit. When they say "you need to open up" they really mean "you need to show more affection for me". People don't really want to know what you're thinking. They don't want to hear about your doubts or the hints you're seeing that your relationship isn't going to last or the problems you have with them or that you think they're getting fat and you're not attracted to them as much anymore, or that you're disappointed with your life and feel like you need a big change or whatever it is. (for the record, these are not examples from my life they're just things I thought of now as examples of thoughts you might have that they don't want to hear).

I'm learning more and more that the idea of really living honestly and connecting to people on a deep level is not possible, and even trying generally makes your life worse. If you just do the superficial/manipulative thing of pretending to be the person that they want, positive & funny & loving & caring & interested in what they're saying & supportive and etc. that your life will be much better. eg. just fake it. You don't even have to "fake it till you make it", you just plain fake it, there is no "make it". A lot of people have a negative reaction to this idea because they have very false ideas of what "faking it" is like; they think of the total douchebag guy who's always smiling and acting your friend. That guy is just a really bad faker and obviously not a good example of how to live. The better example is the charismatic guy who's always nice and seems real and is fun to be around. He's a total faker, but he's good at it, and that makes his life better and the lives of everyone around him better.

In fact, being "real" and not faking it is very discurteous to others. Everyone can think of examples of this. Say you and your spouse throw a dinner party and he does something right before to piss you off. The mature thing which benefits everyone is to just hold it in and pretend to be happy until after all the guests leave. But even after they leave, why exactly do you need to say anything about being hurt? If you can say something and have it improve the situation and make it happen less in the future, or make you both feel better, then that's great, say something. But that's often not the case. Often you are saying something just to make yourself feel better, and it will make him feel worse and make you both angry at each other. Then you shouldn't ever say anything. Those cases are in fact the majority, and if you look for these spots you'll see more and more than the really considerate and mature thing to do is to ignore your real feelings and just act jovial and entertaining and sweet.

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