03-03-08 - 1

FUCK FUCK FUCK I'm so retarded.

After doing a hard HST workout in the gym and then going to a Yoga class in the morning, all of which was pretty good, this afternoon I decide it's a nice day I'm gonna go run around in the park. I took the rugby ball to toss around to myself and practice hands. So I'm running around being a goof like I do, and I decide I'm gonna practice some ugly bounce recoveries. So I start flipping weird bounce grounders and sprinting after them and trying to make a clean pickup on the run. The field at Dolores is absolutely treacherous, it's full of pot holes, so I make a throw and go running after it, and make a hard swoop to pick up the ball and slip on one of the huge divots and go flying. I put my left arm out to brace the slide, and when I landed on it my left shoulder made a huge POP. (for those of you who remember my shoulder injury last year, that was on the right).

So now I'm icing my shoulder and taking a ton of advil. Best case I'm out of commision for a week. Worst case is much much worse. I'm sore and I wish I had a lover to take care of me and put my bandages on. When you're sick or injured is when you find out just how alone you are. This is so fucked. I'm so fucking stupid. I always do risky shit that I don't need to because it's "fun". Screw fun. When I hurt my right shoulder last year, I was layed up and acting like a baby, and Dan took care of me. I probably didn't need that much help, but it's so nice to be taken care of by someone who loves you when you're hurt.

If I can't do physical things I have no joy in my life. If I can't work out and run around, I have nothing to do, I'll go insane. This is a bad time for this to happen. Plus I have a free week of Yoga right now and it's going to go to waste because I don't want to risk putting weight on my left shoulder. All the group activities I've been trying to make myself do to meet people are physical things. Now I'm going to sit at home alone and stew. FUCK.

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