02-25-08 - 4

I realize now that I've been extremely depressed for a long time. I guess it was obvious, but you don't really see it when you're in it. The thing is it comes on so gradually. One day you're happy, then life just beats you down and you make less and less effort, and day by day very gradually you give up and lose hope, and you start sleeping more and not wanting to go out, and just not looking forward to anything and thinking everything is shit and everything is pointless. But it doesn't feel like depression, you just think that's the way life is, because it came on so gradually that you can hardly remember when it was different, and the happy times in the past seem like fleeting moments in a sea of gray. Then something happens to shake it up and all of a sudden the birds are signing and the world is beautiful and you can't wait to get started on all these new projects and you're looking around for new fun things to do and trying to pack your days full of new experiences and new people - and only then do you realize that wow, do normal people actually feel like this all the time?

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old rants