03-13-07 - 1

I biked over the Golden Gate Bridge last weekend for the first time. When I first got out on it I was absolutely terrified. I'm afraid of heights, not mentally, but in the real physical vertigo way; I get nauseus and dizzy, my eyes keep focusing deep & shallow, the height gets heigher and heigher but at the same time feels very close and I feel drawn towards it. In the mean time I'm trying to bike and not run into anyone in the massive jam of bike traffic. Then another fear kicked in - I could just jump right off the side, maybe just ram my bike into the railing and let my body fly over from the momentum. This suicide fantasy is very common and nothing new for me, but it felt very real on the bridge (and the addition of the vertigo didn't help).

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