6/21/2005

6-21-05 - 1

6-21-05

It seems impossible to remember actual feelings or senses. That is, I can remember that I enjoyed breakfast, or that I like scones and coffee, but I can't actually remember what it's like to experience that; I can't recreate the sensations and feelings that filled my head at the time. The memory is of the facts, which maybe seems sensical because that's how we record history in writing and such, but actually it's quite odd to me. The experience of the human mind is full of many aspects and processes and a whole inexplicable cloud of tangents; the conscious rational observant part is only a tiny piece of the machine - why doesn't our memory record all of that? Instead it seems our memory is not recording our mind at all, but rather watching the scene like a 3rd party and writing down the facts like a court reporter, unable to see inside our real, complex mind. This, I suppose, is what drives us to recreate the things that make us happy, because we can't remember the pleasant sensation, we have to experience it again to stimulate the full brain again.

This is sort of a sad reality about sex. I love all the rich sensations and pleasure of sex, but sadly, as soon as it's over, you can't really remember how it felt. You can remember what you did, you can remember if it was especially good or not, but you can't actually remember how it felt. Looking back on my sexual past, I can't really say when I had the best sex - I don't remember that at all. I remember exceptional events, physiological exceptional cases, unusual locations, things like that, but those were generally not the actual best times, and I can't remember at all how it felt.

More and more I'm learning to live my life for the memories. Filling your life in the present tense is a constant struggle - the "now" is constantly changing into the past, and you have to do yet another thing to fill the new "now". Soon you get tired and can't keep up the struggle of constantly finding something exciting and pleasant and new to fill each moment. On the other hand, if you do something that leaves you with a rich memory, it can fill many moments of your life for years to come.

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old rants